Becoming Her Own Hero

My baby entered the world with a  shock of black hair and a gorgeous, full-throated cry.

Just moments before, I lay in the delivery room exhausted after more than 12 hours of labor. The obstetrician had implored me to give one final push. Shortly thereafter, I heard him exclaim, “It’s a boy!”

In the sheer joy of that moment, I had no idea of the tragic error that had occurred. Based on an observation of genitalia, my child was declared male.

But that declaration was wrong.

It took nearly two decades for my child to find the courage and strength to come out to me. My initial, internal response was anger, but not at my child – at myself. How could I have missed this? I had witnessed a years-long struggle with depression, anxiety, and isolation, but had been completely ignorant of gender identity and dysphoria.

It was painful to realize the truth: My girl was misidentified at birth and endured a childhood and adolescence living as someone she wasn’t. And it had all unfolded before my eyes.

Let me pause to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  Just saying the word transgender in certain crowds brings  conversation to a standstill. It’s a topic that’s fully charged, and a lot of people have a lot of opinions based on misinformation and stereotype.

If you’re confused about transgender, if the concept conjures a scene from RuPaul’s Drag Race and a judgement that trans and gender expansive people are either mentally ill or really confused, let me help you access a different vision.

Here are some things I’ve learned after years of seeking information and understanding:

• Gender identity is a spectrum and a part of a person’s internal sense of self.
• Trans and gender expansive people can be bisexual, asexual, straight, gay, or any other sexuality, all of which are separate from being transgender.
• Gender dysphoria is an intense discomfort some trans and gender expansive people feel about their bodies, or the way they’re addressed (gendered) by others.
• Though our society is making progress on the topic of gender identity, in small town America – where we live – trans and gender expansive people are often mischaracterized as mentally ill, which creates a harmful and difficult to navigate stigma.
• Trans and gender expansive people face discrimination in every facet of life, from employment to real estate purchasing to marriage to parenting their kids. The playing field is filled with rejection, stigma, judgement, mockery and ostracization.
• Suicide, suicidal thoughts, and suicidal attempts are substantially higher among transgender individuals than in the general population.
• For trans and gender expansive people, coming out and living authentically is freeing. It’s also dangerous. In 2020, bigotry, hatefulness, ignorance, and transphobia – all whipped up into a frenzy by political rhetoric – led to the violent deaths of 37 transgender and nonconforming individuals.

This is the highlight reel of gender identity education. There’s a lot to know and understand but don’t let that overwhelm you. If someone you know is transgender or has a trans child, the best thing you can do is be supportive and listen. And if you’re ignorant, say so; don’t pretend you have the answers because you’ll end up saying things and behaving in ways that are offensive. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve been there.

Since coming out, my daughter has lost friends and some family members have distanced themselves. In fact, after hearing my daughter is transgender, one family member said to me, “yeah, my son has one of those in his class.” One of those. The only thing missing from that sentence was the word freak.

My daughter is painfully aware of the discrimination, the danger, and the challenges associated with her path. Whether she wanted to or not, she’s becoming her own hero and finding ways to be fully herself in a world constantly telling her she shouldn’t be here. I’m glad I raised a stubborn kid.

As I watch her unwrap herself, I’m realizing how much courage and determination it takes to figure out who you really are. And once you know, you can’t unlearn the truth. The question becomes what will you do with it? Continue pretending or risk rejection and being ostracized? Neither present an easy path.

One of the areas that worries me most for my daughter is medical discrimination. Recently, an acquaintance shared the experience of a young trans man who went to a local emergency room for head pain. The E.R. staff told him he just had a headache and should go home and take pain reliever. On a return visit not long after, the young man explained the pain had grown worse. Again, he was told to go home and take pain reliever. He wasn’t treated, tested, or scanned. Instead, the medical staff minimized his pleading and made a joke of his trans status. As it turns out, the young man was having a stroke. I pray my child, or anyone for that matter, receives better care than that.

As I think about my daughter’s journey, I’m forced to accept another truth: there’s nothing I can do to change any of this – it is exactly what it is.

However, if anything were possible, there’s one thing I would do: time travel.

I would go back to that fateful day in 1999, to the moment my doctor presented my dark-haired newborn to me. Only this time, I would look up at him with a wide smile, a heart bursting with love, and shout:

“It’s a girl!”